


For Calling Birds

by DeadLegato After Dark (deadlegato)



Series: 12 days of Smutness/Smutmas 2020 [4]
Category: Helluva Boss (Web Series)
Genre: 12 Days of Smutmas, Blitzo does improv, Dirty Talk, Hooters, M/M, Phone Sex, The O is silent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:21:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28140816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadlegato/pseuds/DeadLegato%20After%20Dark
Summary: Blitzo tries to give Stolas a Krampus gift without having to pay money for it... and ends up paying for it in a different way. (12 days of Smutness day 4... how could I not use four calling birds as an excuse to write Helluva fic?)
Relationships: Blitzo/Stolas Goetia
Series: 12 days of Smutness/Smutmas 2020 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2074626
Comments: 14
Kudos: 66
Collections: The Twelve Days of Smutness 2020





	For Calling Birds

**Author's Note:**

> Go check out AWillfullDroll's stuff in the rest of this collection if you liked this, as they were responsible for a paragraph of Blitzo's dialogue in here. 
> 
> Yes I meant to write "for" not "four" in the title lol.

If there was one thing Blitzo loved about the holiday season, it was others feeling the awkward social pressure to buy him gifts. If there was one thing he hated, it was feeling pressured to return the gesture. He especially didn’t know what to do with the massive food basket Stolas had sent him. He started unpacking it. Eggplant, multiple types of sausage (all red sausages, of course), cucumbers, dill cheese, carrots… he really had thought of everything. If it hadn’t all come wrapped in sealed plastic, Blitzo wouldn’t have trusted any of it. At least he didn’t send baby carrots. Blitzo would have been offended. Of course, the ‘pinnacle’ of the basket was a massive red cinnamon-flavored candy stick. What else would it be?

Still, and annoyingly, he now felt obligated to get Stolas something. At the same time, he didn’t want to spend any money on it. He thought, and thought, and thought. Finally, after several dull flickers, the light bulb above his head went off. He had the perfect idea, and it wouldn’t cost him anything.

It took a few minutes of searching online to find a phone sex script. This would work. He took a deep breath. He didn’t exactly want to do this, but… it was free. Free trumped how much he would have preferred not to call. Well, it wouldn’t cost him anything except his dignity, but what commercial value did dignity really have?

“Bliiiiiiitzo!” came that excited, rolling voice on the other end of the phone. “You never call me first! What a delight! Is… is something wrong?”

“No. I’m just calling to… give you your Krampus present. You’ve got to be a good boy if you want it. You only get to speak when asked a direct question. If you can’t behave, you don’t get anything.” That was in the script, but the red imp would have to remember that line for future use.

“Oh, Blitzo! What a pleeeeasure…”

“Hey, hey, what did I just say?! Ahem. Now… what are you wearing, b… boy?” he asked. The script said bae, but the imp had no desire to go there. Bae was a stupid word, in the imp’s opinion.

“Oh, this old thing? It’s just my usual…”

“Take it off.”

“…!!”

“Take it all off.”

“Oh, Blitzo! You’re so forceful when you…”

“Hey! No speaking unless ordered to, remember?! Do you want to ruin your gift? Ahem. Now, I’m wearing nothing too. I’m just relaxing in my chair, with eeeeeverything hanging out. In fact, my free hand is going up and down the length of my massive cock. It’s sooooo thick and I’m not even aroused yet.” He could hear desperate squeaking on the other end of the line, and he knew the owl wanted to talk. Hey, this was kind of fun, forcing the chatty Stolas to hold it in for once. Also, he wasn’t actually naked, although he was in his chair.

“I’m stroking up and down and I’m getting soooo, so big. I’m just throbbing. Oh, whatever will I do with this erection? Too bad I’m aaaall alone. If you were here, I could plunge it into your tight little hole and hear the sounds you make when you bite the pillow.”

More delighted happy hoot-hoot whispers on the other end of the phone. Damn, Blitzo thought. I’m good at this. He never considered that maybe Stolas was just easy. “Yeah, you like that. You like my rock-hard rod up your ass. I’m making you take my full width all at once. You like feeling the pain as I’m rubbing in and out, and in and out. It hurts while it feels so good. You’re panting and drooling. You want me inside you. My balls are slapping you like you’re getting the tiniest spanking and that’s making you so horny. I was only giving you half my length, but now I’m preparing to plunge all the way in. Straight to the hilt, all of it in you. You’re going to feel my head banging your prostate over and over again and…”

A pop-up appeared on the screen. ‘Did you like your free trial?’ it asked. ‘Please enter your credit card information to continue reading this script.’

“FUCK!” Bltizo swore, but fortunately, Stolas clearly thought he intended to say that judging from the muffled wheezing coming over the line. He wasn’t paying anything for this. That was the whole idea! Fine. He’d just… improv the rest.

“Yeah, that’s right. I’m gonna fuck! Unf, unf, unf. Yeah, you feel it? You like that bitch?!”

“Oh, I love it! I looove it!”

Shit, he forgot he couldn’t ask a question or Stolas could talk. “Yeah, yeah, you take it! You take it good! I’m ripping up your ass!”

“Blitzy, I want to choke on your…”

“Hey, hey, hey, no talky remember! Yeah, not talking while I fuck your butt! Feel my balls! They’re slapping good!” Damn, he hoped he could figure out when he could stop. Wait, he had an idea. “You have permission to tell me when you cum, but that’s it! Yeah, yeah, are you getting close? I’m slamming you! Unf, I’m fucking you good. You’re gonna need a pillow to sit on all week. I’m slapping you like a used car salesman on an old Chevy, bird bitch! Yeah, yeah, take it, take it! Take it, you horny horned owl! You fucking like it, you slut! Yeah!”

“So masculine and dominant!” Stolas squealed on the other end of the line.

“No talking unless it’s to say you jizzed! Now take it. You take this dick!” he shouted. “Yeah, feel it. You love this. It’s fucking. It’s my dick! It’s in you! Yeah, I’m gonna cum in you so hard it’s gonna be like… like cum rain in a gutter, you gutter owl! Cum gutter! You’ll be spewing it out like a cathedral gargoyle! I’m a raging cock hose, I have the power of a fireman, and these balls are the Pentagram’s water treatment plant! I’m cuming in your city water supply!!”

“I have jizzed! I have jizzed everywhere! There’s so much of it, my horny little imp! Or should I say, my horny BIG imp. I…”

“Merry Krampus! You better go clean it up before your wife yells at you again!” Blitzo said, hanging up and letting out a deep breath of relief. He didn't even notice that he'd been so eager to hang up, he'd accidentally snapped his phone in half in the process. He’d done it. He’d given Stolas a Krampus gift. He only hoped he didn’t end up regretting this idea in the future…

**Author's Note:**

> THEORY: Stolas keeps talking about how big Blitzo's cock is because owls don't really *have* true penises, they have a cloaca. So by his standards, maybe ANY cock is huge? There, that's your theory for the day. Go bleach your brains now.


End file.
